Vulnerability hangover

I didn't realize I was being so vulnerable until I got emotional on stage.

On Sunday, I took the stage and debuted the inaugural Funny Money. It felt different from the speaking engagements I usually do. With those, I share a few stories, but largely focus on the facts and figures of personal finance. With Funny Money, I opened up about my journey to becoming a mother, the finances, and the raw nerve that was finding myself in the aftermath. I didn’t quite realize how raw that nerve really was until I almost cried on stage as I closed the show.

Writing and performing helped heal parts of me that still feel wounded from my postpartum experience. It’s hard to explain how I grappled with postpartum because I simultaneously took to motherhood so well. It’s even taken me a couple years to process and recognize what happened.

The portrayal of a woman struggling in postpartum is often of one depressed, disinterested in her child and disconnected from herself. I bonded with my daughter faster than I expected. But I felt intense anxiety. I was overwhelmed by the seemingly seismic shift in my identity and personality. As I said while closing the show, “It felt as if my creativity and ambition had been left in the delivery room.”

Audience members came up to me after and commended my vulnerability.

It surprised me.

I honestly didn’t realize I was being so vulnerable until after the fact when the emotional hangover set in. The next 24 hours were spent overanalyzing what I said. Had I been too self-indulgent? Too graphic? Too honest? Or was it that the perception of me is reserved and stoic, so hearing my voice catch and seeing me tear up was surprising? Was this vulnerability hangover simply the byproduct of putting a creative work out into the world?

I’ll let you decide.

Here’s how I opened the show.